I've just finished watching online Demi Lovato's 'Stay Strong' documentary which was on MTV last night. Being in Oz meant I couldn't watch it, and was feeling rather annoyed about missing it, but then this morning she posted on Facebook saying you could now watch it online! Spent nearly an hour doing that, and it was really interesting.
She's only a year older than me and has been through so much. Battling eating disorders, self-harm, depression.......Struggling to get from day to day. Then discovering she's bipolar... If it were me, I think I would've actually found the diagnosis helpful. It would mean that the problems have a background and a label. Not all the problems perhaps, but a lot of them. It would give you a better understanding of why you are the way you are.
I'm very lucky really.
I'm 18 now - the same age Demi was when she went into treatment in 2010 - and I've never had any of those extreme self-consciousness issues that so many teenage girls have. I always used to think "Oh well I don't have those issues, because I'm not fat." but now I'm older I see that it's often the skinny girls who have the issues. You see the really skinny girls looking at themselves in the mirror and all they see is a twisted perception of what they think they look like. They see all the bad things and none of the good beautiful things.
Because I was homeschooled all through my teens, I never had the peer pressure that girls at school have. There was never any pressure to look like the popular girls, or to stay skinny because you're one of the popular girls. I never had that, and I'm so grateful I didn't! When I look back over my teens, the only period where I really wasn't comfortable with the way I looked was when I was 15/16. I think that's the point you're most likely to feel that way. You're starting to enter the real adult world, and your body is pretty much fully developed. There's still lot of changes in the brain that take place in your mid to late teens, and that doesn't help.
When I was that age, I was crazy about a guy. He was slightly older than me, but I've never seen age as relevant in relationships or friendships. I couldn't really tell whether he liked me or not, but he never really seemed to notice me that much. So I tried to make sure he did. I always made such an effort to look 'good', and was always trying to get his attention in some way. I was never trying to look like models in magazines or anything - I just wanted to look my best. Every single time I saw him. I got really upset for a while, because I knew I was trying to change who I was so that he'd like me. I didn't just try to change my appearance. I got interested in the same music he liked, purely because he liked it. I tried to be interested in everything he was interested in, just so I felt we were compatible - and hoping he'd see it the same way.
Eventually I told him that I liked him, and it turned out he didn't like me - which I should've known all along, but "love is blind" as they say.
I realised that you shouldn't change for someone you like, or even someone you love. If they don't love you the way you are, they don't deserve you. At that point I stopped trying to change for anybody.
That's the biggest lesson I've learnt in my teens - to be yourself.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes I still have days when I look in the mirror and hate the way I look. My hair "looks awful" and I've got a big pimple in the middle of my cheek. There's small bags under my eyes and now that I look at them my thighs aren't as skinny as I'd like.
But then I mentally slap myself across the face and tell myself to stop being pathetic.
I've never even been tempted to cut myself, or not eat because I'm "too fat". I love food too much to ever give it up :)
I can't imagine what it must be like for girls who are starving themselves because they don't feel good enough.
You are good enough.
I don't even know you, but I can tell you right now that each and every one of you ARE good enough.
We are all beautiful.
I know it takes a lot of....whatever...to look in the mirror and say "I'm beautiful just the way I am."
It takes an awful lot of courage, and guts, and self-worth to say that.
But every girl and woman in the world should have the courage, guts and sense of self-worth to say it.
Because - no matter what dress size you are, or what colour your skin is - it's true.
~ You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper ~
- Demi Lovato, 'Skyscaper'
I disagree with your opinion that you shouldn't change for anyone and that if someone doesn't love you the way you are they don't deserve you. I think I understand your point of view, and I think that it definitely applies in some situations, but not all. Saying that you won't ever change in anyway for anyone suggests that you think you are perfect, and that you have nothing to learn from others and nothing to improve about yourself,(I don't think that you necessarily think this, but maybe you haven't though about all the implications of your view in different situations). I am constantly trying to change myself and be more tidy, organised on time, kind, understanding, generous, less argumentative ect. for other people and I think that this is a good way to be, this is something that I like about myself. Similarly, if I see something about someone else that I like, I often try to bring out that quality in myself, eg. I met some twins who are the kindest, most inclusive and friendly people I know and they inspired me to try to be more kind, friendly and inclusive. I also know a girl who always has her hair in a really interesting and nice hairstyle and that inspires me to try out some of those hairstyles (when I can be bothered and have time). I never think, "my mum would like me better if I was less argumentative but that is the way I am and I'm not going to try to change that for her because she should love me just the way I am", (as it so happens, she does love me just the way I am but that's not the point). In terms of your view that if someone doesn't love you just the way you are they don't deserve you, think about this- if you had a crush on a gay guy and he didn't have a crush on you, in no way does it mean he doesn't deserve you or isn't good enough for you, it simply means that he doesn't feel that way about you. So if the same thing happened with a straight guy, how would it be any different? If he simply doesn't have feelings for you, it doesn't mean he doesn't deserve you, (you could just as easily say that since you don't bring out certain feelings in him, you don't deserve him), it might just mean you don't suit each-other. A similar thing might happen with a piece of art- if you look at some art, (or read a book ect.) and don't like it, it doesn't necessarily mean that it is bad, it may mean it's bad, but it may just mean that you don't relate to it- you and the possibly brilliant piece of art don't suit each other and aren't made for each other!
ReplyDeleteWow! That's an impressive comment! :) One distinction I didn't make in my post was between trying to "change yourself" and "self improvement". Self improvement is a huge part of growing, and being human. We should all work towards being the best person we can be. No one will ever be perfect (not matter how hard we try), and we should embrace that. We should all be working together, helping others to be the best people they can be too. But what I really meant by trying to "change yourself for others" is when you try and change the way you look or behave - because you think a certain person wants to you look or act that way - "Oh, all the girls in magazines are thin. I'm not that thin. I'd better go on a diet." that kind of thing. Or you behave in a certain way that you think people want you to behave (regardless of whether they do or not), and not because of the way you want to behave. Sometimes we can't behave the way we want to. I sometimes get so mad I want to scream and throw plates against the wall. But I know that won't be very productive in the long run, so I don't.
DeleteWhen I said that if someone doesn't love you the way you are they don't deserve you, I guess what I was trying to say is that you should listen to people when they try and get you to change things about yourself. You should never dye your hair because your boyfriend mentioned he thought girls with blonde hair were hotter than brunettes. The friends who pressure you into wearing clothes you don't feel comfortable wearing? Are they really true friends? If they pressure you to do out with a certain guy just coz he's hot? Do they deserve your friendship?
You shouldn't let someone else's opinion govern who you are.
Ultimately, you should be working towards feeling good about yourself because of how you feel. Not the opinions of others. Ultimately, your opinion of yourself is the only one that should really matter. You are the only person in the whole world who decides what you wear tomorrow. No one made you dye your hair, no one made you yell at your mother. There is so much pressure in today's society to conform to the standard of "beauty" that we can sometimes lose who we really are.
You've raised some good points, and pointed out a couple of holes in my post - so thanks! I'm pleased that someone is reading what I write, and is willing to challenge it. After all, I didn't start this blog to "play God" and have everyone tell me I'm right :)
* you SHOULDN'T listen to people when they try and get you to change things about yourself.
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